Sunday, August 10, 2008
11:54 PM
(look at the chinese version! MEANINGFUL!)
today, i didnt go for service because common test is coming and my dad dun let me go :( but i did spend a nice time at home. not only studying.. but really spending time with God. i realised that after the 40days of fasting, i kept using my computer and i didnt really have time for God. i just somehow put him aside and go chat in msn, visit blogs, friendster and play club penguin. (LOLS!) and so, because i didnt go church today, i decided to go watch the online sermon on the shepherd's heart for the nation. that sermon was one of the best sermon this year and i wanted to hear what the pastor said at the ending part, during altar calling. somehow, i felt nothing after listening to it. its like... shepherd's heart for the nation? well, my open cell is doing fine now, or maybe is not fine yet, but at least i feel that its fine.... and i just felt NOTHING and EMPTY! and that emptiness turned into misery. and so, i felt that something is wrong with me... yes! there was really something wrong with me.
so, i put aside my laptop and started praying... at that moment, i was still listening to the online sermon.. and pastor khong said smth like this "i die to self. i dont want to do things in the work of the flesh" and that really spoke to me.... i felt that i was doing things in my own way. even studying... this few days, i keep studying because i dun want to fail and i want to get good results, for MYSELF. and then i rmb what jackie pullinger said (during a conference last year) "if ure the last in class and have a kind heart, you are number one!" indeed, God looks at the heart and not what i can do..... its true that ITS NOT ABOUT WHAT I CAN DO, BUT WHAT HAS BEEN DONE! thats what pastor khong always say. haha! i realised that all i thought of, was me me me me and me! even the things i say, its from the flesh and nt the spirit. and i decided that my fasting shall not stop here. whats the point of the 40days of prayer and fasting if im just spiritual for that 40days. im still not satisfied. i want more of God. and i prayed this simple prayer "if your presence dont go with me, dont take me further." i took some time to reflect abt the things tt are happening around me. i realised that i dont need anything. but still, im thankful for what i have. i realised that God provides everything. and i dun have to cling on to anything of this world. well, i consider everything rubbish compared to knowing Christ.
ahh! the fire is burning in me!
I AM A GOD CHASER!
