Sunday, January 18, 2009
7:17 PM
another week is gone. i think this is the worst week ever. beginning of the week, i went out for dinner with my parents.. den in the car, my dad said this "eh. i think NUH hor. dun go liao la." and i was stunned. because last year my dad told me that this year i still can serve at NUH. actually he didnt tell me to completely stop going yet. he wants me to cut down.. like go 2 times a mth.. den once a mth. he dun want me to go because hes worried tt i will be sick, cus i mix with ppl with terminal illness. den on the same day, i got back my chinese o lvl results.. and it was rubbish. when i looked at it, i felt so pathetic... i think tt day was the worse day because everything didnt go my way and i was wondering WHY? and i was very confused because i was thinking if i shld drop my hcl and concentrate on my cl... and then i oso nt sure if i want to go poly or jc or overseas. and so, i was very confused and irritated! especially about NUH because my dad promised me that i can go.... but he say we'll discuss abt it another day... bt i was wondering "if God wants me to serve at hospital ministry, why is this happening to me?" besides, i just settled down not long ago...
and everyday in school, i will start thinking about it... "God, what are u trying to tell me? where shld i study after o lvl?" den friday, after NPCC training, i rushed for cell. i took 198 and i almost got lost because i dunno which bus stop to stop.. and den i had to change bus. anyway, the ride there was more than 1 hour! cell was quite alright... i only noe tt i was feeling very lost and pekchek with everything. den i told my dad tt i cell ends at 9.30 and my dad wants me to reach home at 10pm. bt den i actually went to bus stop at 9.45. so i sure late one. bt anyway, i dunno wad was wrong with me. i think ive been thinking too much, so i took 147 instead of 197. and i was even more late. when i reached home, my dad started scolding me. and because i was too tired already, i didnt bother to argue back with him.
den saturday, my dad woke me up at 9plus and started screaming at me before he went out to work... (when i was still half asleep) and its like "u dun let me go NUH already still dun want to let me sleep." and den when i was fully awake, i started throwing my pillow, kicking my chair and then i started screaming into my pillow because i was so frustrated with everything tt i faced the entire week. and luckily my dad went out for work at tt time. den, i was reading this book "where is God when it hurts?" to find something to write inside my compo. i wrote the title on PAIN. anyway, i somehow flipped to this page and saw this...
"Claudia, you need to come to the place where you can say, 'God, i love you for making me suffer like this. It is your will, and you know what's best for me. And i love you enough to allow me to experience this.' " and i kinda got a shock because my NAME was really on that book! den at night, my dad came home and i asked him if i can go for service, he said NO and started scolding me again. and i went back to my room feeling upset. i wanted to argue back with him but i think that i shld be PATIENT. and 10mins later, my dad started knocking on my door and say "ok lah! i let u go church."
today's service was not bad. pastor mentioned tt sometimes, we do things to impress others. and i was thinking... am i like that? is my heart about serving in hospital ministry not right? is tt why these are all happening to me? but well, i think that God is really teaching me to be patient with my dad. if i argue back with him ytd, i dun think i can go for service today... yea. i probably need to learn when to shut up. anyway, i think my dad would let me go NUH every week. im still finding a perfect timing to ask him again.
